Posted by: carolyn / through a widow's eyes | November 28, 2013

a certain slant of light

Another restless night. Bed was so warm, so delightfully cozy, yet somehow not where I needed to be. Not a place of rest and repose this night. Oh well.

Evidently I’m not the only one – I see a handful of very disparate friends were poking about online at 3 am this morning.    That is to say, it wasn’t all West Coasters, or all widows, who notoriously cannot sleep in darkest part of night. (What’s up with that?)

At long last the bed’s softness no longer lulled me but was starting to annoy. I resolved to get up for sunrise. Emerged from bathroom to see — Too Late. Morning sun streamed in and filled the quiet house with light, illuminating my rumpled comforter. Went out into glorious bright blustery morning anyway – too restless to stay home, too tired to start Thanksgiving prep. Purple and gold clouds are majestic against a still sky this morning. I’m thankful to be up and out.

With all I have to be grateful for, and all the happiness these simple gifts brings me, at odd moments I still find myself gasping with wrenching sobs, or silently rocking, hands on heart, filled with deep existential sadness. I imagine this may never go away. What I have lost throws those blessings I do have and those I have newly found into starker relief, the shadows longer and darker in the low slant of glorious light.

I count my blessings every single day, not just Thanksgiving, I really do, and my heart swells with love and gratitude. Now, much more than Before, I appreciate the small things and notice kindness, grace, and beauty everywhere. Love does not keep me from crying; happiness – even joy – does not keep me from crying. But I will take it. I know it is only the flip side of love. You can’t have one without the other, and closing off pain means closing off love.

I will take the sadness.
Considering the alternative.

 
 certain slant
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