Posted by: carolyn / through a widow's eyes | September 22, 2012

This must be the place

When we first started…courting…(for lack of a better word), the first little daytrip Jeff & I went on was his attempt to find and share with me a particular little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in western Maine where he had once had the Best! Evar! fresh raspberry pie.

We drove all day, out west of Portland and around scenic western Maine and into the New Hampshire White Mountains in autumn. Etta James’ Sunday Kind of Love was in the cassette deck (it was 1986, people) and all was right with our world.

We never did find that mythical raspberry pie. But from that day forward, we did fall in love, marry, make a baby, build a business, and stay together until death us did part a bit more than three years ago.

When Scot and I first reconnected a year ago, one of our first memorable conversations was around a solitary day trip he had taken to the White Mountains, to explore, sit by a waterfall, and then partake of the finest seafood around at this one particular unassuming little restaurant in western Maine. He went alone because he couldn’t find anyone to go with him. At this time last year, while he was telling me about this solo expedition he had undertaken, I was thinking, “He likes to do THIS? Get in the car and drive? Stop when you want? Explore waterfalls and woods? Find a fun restaurant? But this is my FAVORITE thing to do! Maybe there is, after all, a glimmer of possibility here with this man…”

Yesterday, a rainy blustery September day, Scot and I left the house where we now live together, and drove west. This morning, as we lay in bed sleepily intertwined, I idly contemplated yesterday’s adventure.

And suddenly, it occurred to me: yesterday we went to a restaurant in western Maine where we had tender sweet steamers, tasty Maine shrimp, crab-stuffed haddock with newburg sauce, followed by a large dark slab of very good chocolate cream pie. It must be the same place. It must be where Jeff had the legendary raspberry pie. And I thought “Oh! We found it! This must be the place! I can’t wait to tell hi—-”



Such a very weird dichotomy. A sudden schism. Disconnect. Worlds collide. And so on. Seriously. For a minute it made me quite dizzy, lying there in bed – one life suddenly superimposed on top of another life. Both lives mine.

It’s not like I get to choose. WHICH life I get to live.

My old one or my new one. Or my other new one.

(Perhaps I should be grateful for small mercies.)

It’s Just. Very Weird is all. To be in the world this way, with an intact memory of another whole life lived in this very same lifetime.

It’s also very weird how someone so happy in this moment can suddenly find herself in tears in the next moment.

And in bed with This man holding me, kissing my neck and crooning, consoling me over loss of That one.



  1. You remind me of wonderful things every time. And wonderful in the real way…full of wonder. Love, A.


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