Posted by: carolyn / through a widow's eyes | September 7, 2011

get over it

Old pal from down the street drove by while I was working in the yard, stopped to chat. He’s been “following my progress” on facebook. ( I’ve been getting that a lot lately – people seemingly versed in the details of my fascinating life but there is no evidence of their presence online or elsewhere. Interesting phenomenon. What is up with that? Say hi, people! I would love to know that you care.)

Anyway, in the course of our pleasant shovel-leaning conversation, regarding one of my posts he said “You’re never going to get over him, are you?”

Hmmm. Am I? From the inside it doesn’t feel so much like I’m throwing myself on his coffin, wailing. (Anymore.)

It’s just that J’s death affects my life (and A’s, too, of course) in nearly every way there is. Everything is different now, seen from a new perspective, from our finances to our daily activities to the things I care about and how I try to act. Are you supposed to “get over” that? Just wondering.








  1. I just don’t think we are supposed to get over a death. Some people will say ithat we should and actually mean it, but interestingly, when I quiz those people a bit, in general, the only person they have lost thus far is their 90 year old gradfather. Some try to compare my loss of a much-loved husband of 35 years to their divorce from their wife that happened 15 years ago, or better still their recent third divorce from a marriage that lasted all of five years. Doh!

    I think we just gradually learn to live with our losses and that we will have times when we feel them more or less acutely. Also, the circumstances of a death can have a lot to do with how we learn to live with the loss going forward. And, yes, it does impact everything about our lives and our future – in every sense.


  2. It takes a long time to integrate the deep loss of a loved one into the fabric of your life…you have to rebuild so many things in life. People who have not walked in similar shoes don’t have the understanding it takes to realize such things.


  3. personally, I take more offense at “following your progress” than anything else. Really? You’re assessing me, huh? From your armchair, non-death position and charting me? Well that’s nice. Moving on.


  4. I was SO HOPING you’d see this post, Megan, I had a feeling you’d have something to say!


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